Don’t try this at home

This is what happens when Jeff heads out to a party and Simon actually occupies himself on the floor for 10 minutes.  Happy Friday!

~~~

In my continuing quest to make quasi-food-blogging as lame and unappealing as possible, I present to you a BRILLIANT concoction.  One that will make you the life of the party.  The host(ess) with the most(est).  This recipe will inspire statues to be erected in your honor.  All the village’s children to revere your name.

 

I promise, it’s that good.

 

I’m just not going to show you any pictures. (That’s not even the lamest part, though.  Keep reading.)

 

Why no pictures?  Because I have none.  Because this started out as “baby food” and it would be stupid to take pictures of something that’s just going to be cut into 1″ squares and flung onto the floor and eventually get gobbled up by the dog.

 

…I’m not off to a very good start here, am I?

 

OK so here’s the thing:  when making homemade pizzas the other day, I turned one portion into a little white pizza-esque, breadstick-y finger food, originally intended for Simon.  But then it was so delicious that I literally, honestly, decided “Simon won’t appreciate this”, so I just ate it all myself (I didn’t even share with Jeff, either.  SHAME.).  And now I really regret making it the first time, because now I want to make it again.  And again.

 

Is it revolutionary?  No.  Is it healthy?  HELL NAW.  But is it good?  OMG.

 

[Imagine here a picture of the delicious snacks spread out on a pretty platter, sidecarred with a trendy little vessel or two of dip.]

 

So rather than post a real recipe with instructions and pictures and a bunch of “OMG GUYS YOU HAVE TO MAKE THIS” blathering (more than I already wrote above, that is), I’m just going to tell you what not to do.  I am, in fact, officially warning you:  DO NOT MAKE THIS.  I’m not even naming this recipe.  In fact, I shall only call it:

 

A WARNING AGAINST THE VERBOTEN BREADSTICK APPETIZER THINGS

 

First of all, DO NOT UNDER ANY CONDITION make a batch of pizza dough using Kayotic Kitchen’s recipe.  (Do NOT substitute bread flour, do NOT let the dough age in the fridge for about 8 hours, giving it a slow rise for delicious yeasty nuttiness, do NOT quarter the dough and give it a second rise on the countertop, and do NOT preheat your oven to 500*.)

 

Then, DO NOT take one of those dough quarters and pull it out to moderate thickness (about 9″ around).

 

I ABSOLUTELY FORBID YOU to brush it with olive oil, then liberally spread on alfredo sauce (storebought is fine, as long as it’s not the super cheap yucky stuff.  TJ’s is divine.)

 

PLEASE DO NOT then sprinkle on asiago cheese, or mozzarella, or mild cheddar, or monterey jack, or any combination of the above.

 

Finally, I REALLY ADVISE YOU NOT TO bake this monstrosity for about 8 minutes (ideally on a pizza stone), then cut it into squares or strips, and sprinkle on parmesan, and serve them with fancy infused olive oil or warm homemade marinara.

 

JUST DON’T DO IT.

 

[Imagine here a pretty picture of a couple strips arranged artistically on a plate, with a bite taken out of the end of one]

 

Promise me.

 

(But if you do, will you take pictures and let me add them to this post?)

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2 responses to “Don’t try this at home

  1. They serve these at Pizza Street. Except for the special crust. And the Asiago cheese. And the fancy infused EVOO. And the homemade marinara. But they do have jars of “parmesan” on each table

  2. I refuse to make such a promise.

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