All I can say this year is, I tried to be good. You might have heard, I got married. Yeah, he’s pretty amazing. No, he doesn’t believe in you. That’s what happens when you grow up, I guess. But I’m working on him, Santa, I really am. In the meantime, though, this letter is from me, Katie…solo.
I have a long wish list this year, Santa. Most of it is from my cats–Othello and Macbeth? I think I told you about them in last year’s letter. I know that in Xmas 2005 I asked for cats, but Santa, really…couldn’t you have done a bit better than this? I mean, I understand that you want to save all the cute baby kittens to give to little kids, but was it really fair to stick me with one 16-lb scaredy cat his 15-lb, stinky-breathed gay lover? That’s OK, Santa, I know you tried. And I love them anyway. They asked me to tell you, by the way, that they want catnip for Christmas. Their wishes are simple–catnip, and lots of it. What they *don’t* know, is that in just a couple weeks they’ll also be getting their yearly shots. Ssh! Please keep the secret, Santa!
And even though Jeff says he doesn’t believe in you, I know there are some things he wants for Christmas, too. I think “a good wife” is at the top of his list, actually. Boy, Santa, you sure played lots of jokes on everybody last year! Stuck me with rotten cats, stuck my husband with a rotten wife… aah well, that’s OK. Because last year I asked for a wonderful husband, and that’s sure what I got. You’re pretty awesome, Santa. And I think this year Jeff deserves something nice, too. Did you know that his computer is about 6 years old? Me neither, until recently. I was going to buy him a new one, then I realized that a new computer costs slightly more than my car is worth I’ve got right now. So I’ll leave that up to you, I guess. Or maybe you just want to give him some DVDs or a video game or two. I’m sure he’d like that, too. And as long as he’s watching TV or playing video games, he doesn’t try to drag me away from my crafting–a win/win situation, Santa! Oh, and I noticed the other day that Jeff’s jeans are pretty much worn out, so if you wanted to slip and Old Navy gift card in his stocking, I won’t tell anyone that I gave you the hint . As long as you put a yarn shop gift card in mine, right?
While we’re on the topic of my list, Santa, I just wanted to say THANKS! for the sewing machine last year. I’ve broken the Johnson family tradition of using our sewing tables as convenient storage for clothes in need of mending or ironing. I actually use mine for sewing! Not as much as I’d like to, admittedly, and here’s why… I picked up on knitting in June. I don’t know if you noticed or not, while doing your mid-year “Naughty or Nice” checkup. It’s sort of an obsession of mine now, actually. I wouldn’t say I’m good at it, but I do enjoy it. I’d love to be able to buy some yarn and work on super-fun projects–perhaps you need a new hat, Santa? But hey, if going into knitting stores embarrasses you the elves don’t know how to spin wool, that’s OK. You know I’m not picky about my gifts. Cash, gift cards, a kick in the seat of the pants, it’s all good. I just want to make your job easy, Santa. But let’s face it, this year we need practical things. Things that are useful. Or, things from our wedding registry. Like I said, just trying to make your job easy.
And finally–I hope I’m not overstepping my bounds here–could you put in a good word for Jeff at the University of Chicago law school? #6 in the nation, you know. I can send you a copy of Jeff’s transcript if you want. He got a 173 on the LSAT–did you hear? Of course you did…I’m sorry, I forgot who I was talking to for a minute, there.
Thanks for reading this, Santa! And when you come visit us on Christmas night, please remember to close the front door behind you–the cat likes to try and sneak out.
Love and kisses,