Trade Secrets

If I tell you what I’m about to tell you, you must promise me one thing:

1)Do NOT divulge this secret to anyone else.  Not your mother, not your best friend, not your dog.  ESPECIALLY not your dog.

2)Do not try this at home. I AM a trained professional.

Now, are we clear?  Are we all in agreement?

Good.

About two weeks ago, an LSG’er posted that she’d received a *beautiful* skein of Buffalo Gold Lux Lace #12, and posed the question:

WTF should I make out of it?

To which I responded:

I hate to disappoint, but that yarn’s no good at all. It’s all defective. All of it. It causes, um…scabies, night terrors and neoconservativism.

Luckily for you, I’m an authorized Buffalo Gold Yarn Disposal Provider. Send yours to me, and I’ll take care of it.

Unfortunately for Knitwit, she never did send me her yarn.  So I presume she’s now suffering from scabies, night terrors and neoconservativism.  My thoughts are with her.

That’s the backstory.

Here’s the nowstory.

After a series of Ravelry messages between buffaloguy and myself, I received a package.

A very, very frightening package.

A “hazardous materials enclosed”-type package.

I had my suspicions about what it might contain, so I decided to exercise all appropriate precautions.  In the event that I did not survive the Yarn Disposal process, I asked Jeff to keep a thorough photographic record of my methods (for posterity).

Luckily, I survived, so I’m here to share this process with you.  But again I warn you – do not try this at home!  Buffalo Gold Yarn Disposal is serious business.
The Disposal process is as follows:

(I apologize for the quality of these instructional photographs.  Usually for safety’s sake I Yarn Dispose outside, but it was about 8:30 pm and pouring rain last night, so we just took our chances)

1)Assemble the following supplies:

Left to right:  1 bandana (a medical mask is preferable, but I was fresh out), 1 pair medical safety gloves, 1 pair scissors, 1 roll paper towels, 1 pair common kitchen tongs.

2)Here’s the offending package:

Innocuous looking, yes?  Do not be fooled.

3)Here’s the offending dog:

4)Contain the offending dog safely in an enclosed location:

Now you may begin.

5)Don the bandana, Western-style, as a protective nose and mouth covering, like so:

6)  Put on your protective gloves:

Now, you are ready:

(bonus points if you have flour on your skirt from baking chocolate chip cookies.  The flour will protect you further from the dangerous yarn.)

7)Grasp your tools, and make sure they’re in good working order:

(sterilization before the procedure is not as important as sterilization after)

8)Prepare your work surface:

Like so:

Now you are ready to begin the procedure.  Take a deep breath, and steady your hands.  This is delicate and dangerous work.

9)Study the offending package carefully, looking for an ideal point of entry:

10)In this case, I was able to cut a small nick into one corner, then pull it the remainder of the way open:

(this is where it gets really scary.  But don’t worry, you *are* adequately protected from the Buffalo Gold’s evils)

11)As you can see below, the yarn is beginning to emerge from its safe enclosure.  It has a mind of its own at this stage:

12)Use your kitchen tongs to slowly free the yarn from its wrappings:

13)Don’t rush!  This is a vital step!

14)Once you’ve removed the yarn from its package, lay it on the prepared worksurface for study:

15)Don’t be afraid to study it closely:

But at the same time, don’t get *too* close.  Remember the scabies.

(this image is blurry because Jeff’s – my photographer’s – hands were shaking in terror.)

16)Study the yarn from all angles, and familiarize yourself with its attributes.

17)This demonstration skein appears to be a two-ply blend of 45% Bison, 20% Cashmere, 20% Silk,  and 15% Tencel:

As you can see, it is richly dyed in tones mostly of earthy golden, teal, and brick red.  It’s the brick red that scares me the most.  It’s been known to cause extra-severe neoconservativism.

18)Once you’ve studied the yarn carefully, from all angles:

the actual disposal process must begin.

19)Now, read this carefully:  to properly dispose of Buffalo Gold yarn, you must…

GAH I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!

(the night terrors last night were *awful*, by the way.)

~~~

Thank you to Knitwit for making the forum post which led to this wonderful windfall, to UPS for *finally* giving me the package after sending it to Texas and back, to my photographer who was unable to promise “don’t laugh at me!”, and of course to Ron at Buffalo Gold for making it all possible.  The Internet is a wonderful place, and you’ve made one little knitter very happy 🙂  (And, addicted to this delicious yarn)Thank you for being so kind 🙂

Thank you most of all to Rush Limbaugh, whom I now respect and admire, for his well-reasoned and logical viewpoints on a variety of subjects.

PS>What do you do with 330 yards of delicious laceweight?  Ishbel, of course!

(it’s really stinkin’ hard to knit with those gloves on, but I’ve learned my lesson – no more skin-to-Buffalo-Gold contact for me! Nosirree. Nope.  Never again.)

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8 responses to “Trade Secrets

  1. Hi, I am laughing so hard I just spit up my tea, thank you.

    Also, I just had a moment of sudden appreciation for Glen Beck and all I did was look at your pictures. That’s some damn powerful stuff there.

  2. GOD YOU’RE CUTE

  3. Funny (10)!

  4. Kallie (KallieKY on Ravelry)

    thanks for the afternoon giggle! Awesome yarn btw.

  5. Are you knitting something for me? Please?

  6. You’re hilarious. Love the photo tutorial. I’ve been handling mine completely unprotected. . .I’ll have to watch myself.

  7. have mercy! I opened my recent package without any protection whatsoever, and I’m now seriously infected. I have uncontrollable desires to search the BWC website and obtain more, more, more. Thank heavens my purchase was a simple, mono-colored skein of Tracks. It could have been SO much worse! LOL LOL LOL

  8. This is still the funniest thing I have ever read 🙂 Thanks again for being Awesome!

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