They can’t all be winners…

(Please for the love of all that is holy and delicious, do NOT skip the text & scroll directly to the photos.  It’s so much funnier if you understand where I’m coming from)

Y’all know I’m a good baker.  My cheesecakes never crack; my breads always have a lovely brown crust and airy, perfect center; I can bake 96 snickerdoodles in an evening without breaking a sweat.

HOWEVER (there’s always a however), nobody’s perfect.

Boy-oh-boy, am I ever imperfect.

A co-worker has a birthday is this week.  For each co-worker’s birthday, I bake him or her their favorite item – now that everyone’s gotten a pretty fair idea of my repertoire, I’m getting some special requests.  “I love your chocolate chip cookies, Kate.”  “That coffee cake you brought a few weeks ago was great!”  This guy, though, threw me a curveball:  “I want a turtle cake!”

So I thought about what that might entail, I looked around online for some ideas and inspiration, and last night I took to the kitchen to create a delicious turtle cake.

My vision:  chocolate cake (Johnson family recipe), fudgy chocolate frosting, caramel and pecans drizzled atop.  A veritable vision of gooey deliciousness.

It was doomed from the start.  My cakes didn’t come cleanly out of the pans.  The fudgy frosting (Paula Deen‘s recipe) was a total bust; neither fudgy nor frosting-y.  I used the wrong plate (amateur mistake; I should know better!), one that was tapered toward the center rather than flat at the bottom.  Just about the only thing that went *right* was the caramel topping (caramels + butter + sweetened condensed milk) with a cup of finely chopped hand-picked pecans from Grandma’s property stirred in.

But still I pressed onward, to the point of full assembly.  And when it was done I stood back, took a good look at it, and bellowed…


He ran into the room, came to a full stop, and…laughed hysterically.  It’s just that bad.

Don’t believe me?  See for yourself (Keepin’ it real, yo.):

No, I’m not kidding.  I really wish I was.  I really, REALLY wish I could say “ah-ha! Just kidding!  Here is the real cake!” and unveil a masterpiece of epic proportions.  But I can’t.  That’s it.

Shall we have another angle?

Danger!  Mudslide ahead!  Or, if you squint, Danger! Big Mac ahead!



Despite Jeff’s insistence (though his tears of laughter) that I should take it to work anyway, I just can’t.  I CAN’T.  No one deserves this for their birthday.  Not my worst enemy, and certainly not a co-worker who I feel neutral-leaning-to-friendly towards.

My in-laws are about to be the proud recipients of the ugliest, delicious-est cake in the history of ugly delicious cakes.  Lucky them.

And me?  I’m going to try again after Thanksgiving.  Think I should tweak things a bit for next time? 😛

I recommend bookmarking this post for the next time you need a good, deep belly laugh.  I know I’m sure going to.

PS>This morning I whipped up a batch of chocolate chip muffins with streusel topping and brought those in instead, then showed my co-workers a picture of what I almost brought them.  We all laughed heartily, and I cried a bit inside.


5 responses to “They can’t all be winners…

  1. I am shocked! Someone has put a horrible spell upon you!

    I have never seen a cake with a frosting tumor before.


    You know I love you…

  2. 🙂 That’s amazing. hahaha I’ll eat it!!!

  3. Noooo! I was so hoping for the confetti angel food cake. (taps foot) 😉

  4. Lol! It’s fantastic! It’s like a cake Big Mac – I man, who wouldn’t love that?!

  5. SunflowerCrochet

    I laughed until I cried just now. And yes, I bookmarked it for later. Thank you so much for sharing The Big Mac.

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