Dire Straits

I am in dire straits, my friends.

 

The yarn diet (::shudder::) is over halfway through – less than 5 months to go – and I’m in bad shape.  I’ve got the shakes.  I can’t think straight.  Last night I may or may not have dreamed about walking into Knitorious, throwing my Visa at Sandy, and running out with armfuls of alpaca and wool, a lone ply of Malabrigo fluttering in my wake.

 

Nevermind that my mom came to St. Louis in December and purchased me many yarns at that selfsame shop (see Rule #2).  Nevermind that I have a gorgeous batt of Brewergnome’s fiber on its way to me right now (see Rule #4A*).  Nevermind that fully half of my Christmas knitting spree was executed from newly-purchased yarns (see Rule #1).

 

Now, when a loved one is confronted with the very real and serious problem of alcoholism or drug addiction, you would never suggest that they go hang out at a bar or in the bathroom of a New York nightclub in the ’80s, would you?  No.  You wouldn’t.

 

So why – WHY?!?! – did I decide to self-medicate by browsing Etsy?

 

Come window shopping with me.  It won’t do me any good, but maybe you non-dieters will find something to love.

 

“If I weren’t on a yarn diet, I would buy…”

 

…amazing roving in the “Peppers” colorway from Black Trillium, which very much wants to be spun poorly turned into longies for a Hoopling.  I asked it.  It told me.

 

…“Tobias” sock yarn + pattern from Little Red Bicycle.  Because who doesn’t love an Arrested Development-inspired colorway?  It’s like an inside joke for you and your feet.  Brilliant dyeing and marketing!

 

…the perfect red sock yarn from A Piece of Vermont.  If this isn’t begging to be knit into cozywarm textured socks, well, then I don’t know what is.

 

…fiber inspired by Kaylee from Firefly, by Christina Marie Potter.  I love Firefly.  I love spinning (poorly, currently).  I love pretty things.  I love this fiber.

 

…an amazing “Crumble” Tosh sportweight from Madelinetosh.   Because these colors – and the name of the colorway – represent all that is right with the world.   And deliciousness.

 

…drop-dead gorgeous merino laceweight from Dyeforwool.  If yarn were people, this one would be Jeff.  That is to say, I love it more than life itself and want to grow old with it.  And have its babies.  And fix it pancakes on Sunday mornings.

 

…sparkly sock yarn from Dyeabolical Yarns.  In the most wonderful shiny unicorn-puke colors (and oh I mean that in the best way imaginable).  ‘Tis glorious, forsooth.

 

…what would you do with 8 oz of gorgeous dark grey laceweight?  Pardon me, but I believe the question is what wouldn’t you do with 8 oz of laceweight?  Answer:  eat it.   If the blue goodness above won’t have me, then perhaps I shall marry this.  From Fearless Fibers.

 

Four more months, my lovelies…four more months.

 

Please, knitter friends, I beg you:  if you’re currently able, go buy yarn for yourself.  Squeeze it.  Knit it.  Wear it.  Love it.  For pete’s sake, blog it!  Let me live vicariously through you.  And if you can, take a moment and think of me, sitting here alone in my cold dark apartment with nothing to keep me warm but a mere four Rubbermaid bins full of perfectly good and very nice – but not new and exciting – yarn.  Someday I’ll be there, shopping alongside you.  But in the meantime, I will somehow manage to get by.  Somehow.

 

::sob::

 

(fade slowly to dark, but for four double-pointed needles flashing under a solitary lamp)

~~~

*Rule #4A:  When life deals a particularly crappy hand to an Internet friend, it’s OK to buy from their Etsy shop as a gesture of goodwill and fiber yumminess.  Besides, it’s not a fiber diet, anyway.  I don’t have to justify myself to you!  QUIT PICKING ON ME!!!