Ridiculous things which piss me off, part XXVII

We went to Target on Saturday.  And I saw this.  And then my brain exploded.

MOTHERFUCKIN’ INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED GRAPES.  Why?  Portion control?  Who ever died from eating too many grapes?  Convenience?  How hard is it to rinse a bunch and throw them in a baggie or container?

 

If that’s not ridiculous, then I don’t know what the hell is.

 

Oh wait, yes I do.  THIS.  THIS IS MORE RIDICULOUS.

What the hell is that?  WHAT IS IT?  Is it 5 pieces of sidewalk chalk for $13?  In packaging approximately 500% the size of the product?  And a couple creativity-killing “sidewalk outlines” thrown in for good measure?  Yes, yes it is.

 

I CANNOT ABIDE THIS.  This is everything that’s wrong with contemporary western society.  In a nutshell.

 

But wait, there’s more:

(Photo courtesy of I Hate My Messageboard, who has previously covered this topic much more humorously and eloquently than I)

 

JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST.  INDIVIDUALLY-WRAPPED ARTIFICIALLY-FLAVORED APPLES.

 

I find the very concept of Crazy Apples so ludicrous – so offensive – that I couldn’t resist: I went in search of my own.  After spending weeks lamenting (aloud, to my long-suffering suitemates) that I couldn’t find them in stores, Morgan finally took sympathy on me and tracked one down at the Clayton Schnucks.  And then she bought it, and took it in to work.  And today we hacked it open.

 

The bag is certainly “crazy”, “wacky”, and “whimsical”.

I’m having fun just looking at it.  ‘Cause you know if there’s one thing I love more than artificial flavor, it’s drooling, anthropomorphized fruit and superfluous packaging!

 

(Seriously.  A single apple? In a bag?  Really?)

 

The apple itself, though, is rather plain, and lacking a leering, sloppy grin:

What delightful treats are lurking inside?  Only time will tell.

 

(::time passes::)

 

Huh.  Still looks like an apple.  Also?  Still tastes like an apple.  Sort of.

 

In reality, it tasted like one of those mildly-disgusting food experiments you do as a kid:  it tasted like dipping a slice of apple into grape FunStix.  Maybe grape FunStix that have been on the floor of Mom’s minivan for too long and are now sort of clumpy.  Yes.

 

(I wanted to say it tasted “like Grimace’s taint”, but that was overridden by a fellow Crazy-Apple-taste-tester.  Which is probably fair.  I do tend to need a lot of moderation.)

 

I mean, I could see what they’re going for.  But the alleged “pomegranate” note never appeared, and what grape flavoring there was just lingered as an unpleasantly bitter aftertaste long after the apple was gone.

 

But that’s all beside the point:  BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH APPLES IN THE FIRST PLACE.

 

Say that there was a fruit which was really good for you – loaded with wonderful vitamins, easily portable and inexpensive – but which tasted like ass.  For the sake of argument, let’s call it “shitfruit.”  Now, everyone *knows* they should eat shitfruit, but they just can’t bring themselves to do it, because the taste is just that bad.  In that situation, I suppose that Crazy Apples’ patented flavor infusion system might be helpful.  Shitfruit would no longer taste shitty!  Everyone would be happier and healthier for it!

 

But that’s not the case.  Apples taste like apples.  Sweet and tart and crisp and fresh and wonderful.  Apples do not taste like shitfruit.  So apples don’t need a flavor infusion, because Mother Nature helpfully gave them one already:  it’s called “apple taste.”

 

Goddamnit.

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8 responses to “Ridiculous things which piss me off, part XXVII

  1. I am so glad you tasted the crazy apples – I see them in my Schnucks all the time and wonder (a) why they needed to flavor the apples and (b) who would pay a buck fifty for a freakin’ apple when you can get a pound of apple-y deliciousness for a dolla (when on sale, a dolla 99 when not on sale). apples are pretty freakin’ perfect as they are.

  2. I can only imagine that much of these food products is so parents can make bag lunches healthy without actually making the bag lunch.

    Now, if they had packaged the apples precut with little packages of peanut butter or nutella…. that would have saved me a step.

    actually I never was the lunch packer – my daughter packed all her own lunches so it would have saved her a step if I was nice and bought it for her which I wouldn’t have because I would have told her that she could do it herself.

  3. Hilarious and completely on the money. Frankly, I thought I’d seen it all with the individually wrapped grapes – until you trotted out the shitfruit. Seriously, I don’t understand how anyone gets the money to send crap like that to market.

  4. I read the last two paragraphs out loud to my husband, starting with “BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH APPLES IN THE FIRST PLACE” … well, I tried. Except I kept laughing and snorting and generally making a spectacle of myself.

    This is absolutely, 100% right. And can I say how glad I am I have never seen any of those ridiculous things in my local grocery store??? (Not that we don’t have stupid things; we do. Just not those particular stupid things.)

  5. Don’t you feel honored to live in Missouri, which because of its plethora of “normal” and “average” consumers is blessed with hundreds of test marketing debacles a year. People who live on the coasts don’t get to enjoy Crazy Apples until Missourians give them the nod. Or not, as the case may be. We got to spit out Pepsi Clear long before the rest of the country turned thumbs down on it.

  6. Gross, dumb, gross, dumb! Please hand me some individually packaged grapes. 😐

  7. The only thing worse than that is this: my son came in while I was reading it to hassle me about playing my video game, glanced at the screen and said, “Oh! I wannit dat! Dat Cwazy Apples, yeah, because I WUV dem!!” (Don’t worry – he is reading at a first grade level. Cuss words don’t enter in until at least second.) (Also, he would HATE them. He likes apples that taste like APPLES. He just likes the packaging. DAMN THEM.)

    Feckin-A. I’m going to show him the I Love Cats video again so that he will forget alllllll about Cwazy Apples.

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