We went to Target on Saturday. And I saw this. And then my brain exploded.
MOTHERFUCKIN’ INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED GRAPES. Why? Portion control? Who ever died from eating too many grapes? Convenience? How hard is it to rinse a bunch and throw them in a baggie or container?
If that’s not ridiculous, then I don’t know what the hell is.
Oh wait, yes I do. THIS. THIS IS MORE RIDICULOUS.
What the hell is that? WHAT IS IT? Is it 5 pieces of sidewalk chalk for $13? In packaging approximately 500% the size of the product? And a couple creativity-killing “sidewalk outlines” thrown in for good measure? Yes, yes it is.
I CANNOT ABIDE THIS. This is everything that’s wrong with contemporary western society. In a nutshell.
But wait, there’s more:
(Photo courtesy of I Hate My Messageboard, who has previously covered this topic much more humorously and eloquently than I)
JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST. INDIVIDUALLY-WRAPPED ARTIFICIALLY-FLAVORED APPLES.
I find the very concept of Crazy Apples so ludicrous – so offensive – that I couldn’t resist: I went in search of my own. After spending weeks lamenting (aloud, to my long-suffering suitemates) that I couldn’t find them in stores, Morgan finally took sympathy on me and tracked one down at the Clayton Schnucks. And then she bought it, and took it in to work. And today we hacked it open.
The bag is certainly “crazy”, “wacky”, and “whimsical”.
I’m having fun just looking at it. ‘Cause you know if there’s one thing I love more than artificial flavor, it’s drooling, anthropomorphized fruit and superfluous packaging!
(Seriously. A single apple? In a bag? Really?)
The apple itself, though, is rather plain, and lacking a leering, sloppy grin:
What delightful treats are lurking inside? Only time will tell.
Huh. Still looks like an apple. Also? Still tastes like an apple. Sort of.
In reality, it tasted like one of those mildly-disgusting food experiments you do as a kid: it tasted like dipping a slice of apple into grape FunStix. Maybe grape FunStix that have been on the floor of Mom’s minivan for too long and are now sort of clumpy. Yes.
(I wanted to say it tasted “like Grimace’s taint”, but that was overridden by a fellow Crazy-Apple-taste-tester. Which is probably fair. I do tend to need a lot of moderation.)
I mean, I could see what they’re going for. But the alleged “pomegranate” note never appeared, and what grape flavoring there was just lingered as an unpleasantly bitter aftertaste long after the apple was gone.
But that’s all beside the point: BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH APPLES IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Say that there was a fruit which was really good for you – loaded with wonderful vitamins, easily portable and inexpensive – but which tasted like ass. For the sake of argument, let’s call it “shitfruit.” Now, everyone *knows* they should eat shitfruit, but they just can’t bring themselves to do it, because the taste is just that bad. In that situation, I suppose that Crazy Apples’ patented flavor infusion system might be helpful. Shitfruit would no longer taste shitty! Everyone would be happier and healthier for it!
But that’s not the case. Apples taste like apples. Sweet and tart and crisp and fresh and wonderful. Apples do not taste like shitfruit. So apples don’t need a flavor infusion, because Mother Nature helpfully gave them one already: it’s called “apple taste.”