What brings ’em in

I always get a kick out of looking at the search engine terms that send people here.  For one, I had no idea that “Kateohkatie” was so hard to remember.  But the 435 people who’ve tried permutations of “katieohkatie”, “katyohkatie”, “kateokatie” and “kateokate” have now educated me.

I’m not overly occupied with most of the search terms:  “Is Ravelry down”, or “blueberry tattoo”, or “knitting blog st. louis” or “cinnamon rolls” are all mundane and predictable.  (But I’m glad they’re there.)

Really, I must confess that I derive the most glee from tricking perverts:

period porn (395)

That’s because of this post, of course.  Y’all should pity the guy who’s cruising for spank material, and lands on my lil’ ol’ knitting blog.  But it’s not just one guy…it’s 395 guys.  A veritable pervert epidemic.

todaysex (8)

Is that, like, sex using a Today sponge, a la Seinfeld?  I think this falls under the umbrella of “thanks for sharing”, along with “never tell me again.”

tan thunder thighs (3)

Oh, sorry.  If it was pasty thunder thighs you were lookin’ for, you’d have been at the right place.  Honest mistake.  See ya later.

eww porn (2)

Thank you.  Yes.  Porn is disgusting.  Finally.  But why on earth would you search for that?

~~~

And then there are those lost souls, looking for help or information.  The same questions, comments and judgements tend to appear over and over.  So I’ll just offer a public service and answer them, once and for all.

is it worth it to buy interchangeable circular knitting needles (49)

Maybe.  Do you knit?  Do you use circular needles?  Do you wish to interchange them?  Then yes.

mentally challenged dogs (11)

Now this, I can help you with.  You’re not alone.  Start here.  Then go here.  Then let me know how that blanket-on-the-head trick works out, m’kay?

my friend did knitting (10)

Good for him/her!

a name and a complete paragraph (3)

Do your own homework you must, young padawan.

the clerk _____ our transaction by letting us skip some of the paperwork (3)

I’m not helping you with that one, either.  Expedite your learning: get off the Internet and go open a book.

silver spring metro escalators (3)
Thank you!  See? I knew I wasn’t the only one who hated those damn things!  You and me, searchers.  We tight.  You get it.

parody of pioneer woman (3)

Not my territory, but these ladies have it covered.

wear a scarf over your mouth and nose in winter (3)

Good advice!  That is a very good way to conserve body heat – especially when paired with a tightly knit hat and warm coat.  Common sense FTW.

how to soften tosh sock yarn (2)

Why on earth would you feel compelled to do that? Tosh sock is wonderfully soft, and sturdy.  What are you used to knitting with – unicorn farts?  (PS – try rinsing it in some vinegar.)

what gender is my hedgehog (2)

Check under its skirt.

how to decorate cataract sunglasses (2)

Same way you decorate anything.

show me how to knit with one stick (1)

Does your stick have a hook at one end, perchance?

how to make hoemeade puke recipy (1)

Assuming you mean ‘homemade’ and ‘recipe’, it’s easy:  eat Taco Bell.  Drink vodka.  Puke.  TAH-FREAKING-DAH.

my cat smells like chai (1)

You lucky duck. My cat smells like cat food.

~~~

Finally, there are some oddballs which I can only choose to take as a compliment:

a good knitting blog not the dame old sad crap (18)

I don’t know who “The dame old sad crap” is, but she does have an unfortunate name, eh?  Unless you mean “the same old sad crap”, and your attempt to avoid same has sent you to me.  Which I appreciate.  Keep on with your awesome self, 18.  I like the cut of your jib.

oh, kate! (4)

Oh, searcher!  (Am I correct in reading this in an admonishing tone? Or should it be more of a “Janet! Dr. Scott! Janet! Brad! Rocky!” thing?)

best knitting/photography/cooking blogs (2)

Me? Really?  D’awwww…  (damn, they must have the bar set really low now.  Or else our two searchers were confused.  I’m guessing that one.)

why i am a terrible person kateohkatie (1)

I really can’t help you there.  But odds are, you’re really not a terrible person.  Maybe not as nice as some, but probably not terrible.

i made you a flower, thats fucking shit card (1)

Yeah!  Err…no?

Yup, that’ll do it for today.  Gotta love the confused searchers: bless their little hearts.

~~~

PS>I’m not very creative, so I’ve done something like this before.  Just in case you didn’t get enough of it today.

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5 responses to “What brings ’em in

  1. You just made me snarf my lunch at least three times, and I had to do it super quietly since I am sitting in a cube at work next to my boss, so it was more of a silent snarfing while having to act like I just had salad stuck in my throat. Someday I will learn to not eat while reading your blog.

  2. pie near woman…I died and can’t believe you haven’t shared this sooner.

  3. I love to do this too – mine the search engine stuff. I have to say, though, that the PW parody stuff is kind of sad. Whole blogs making fun of someone else’s stuff? Makes me want to move on. Unless it’s knit wear. I miss “You Knit What?!”

  4. I got a good laugh out of the RHPS reference to Janet, Brad & Dr. Scott! I wonder how many people in your audience got it? I dont personally know many knitters, and the ones i do know are of the septuagenarian variety. They for sure would be fairly confused 🙂

  5. If you google “awesomely funny knitting blog” you come up second. 🙂

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